You won't be disappointed!

It's entirely possible that sending the audience out feeling lousy was intentional

When a movie has you begging for it to end not even half way through it's pure crap. We've all seen this movie and this characters millions of times, nothing new in it. Don't waste your time.

All of these films share one commonality, that being a kind of emotional center that humanizes a cast of monsters.

Red Sonja is an awful film in absolutely every way. Though due to amusement, doesn't fall into the worst films of all time category.Paul Smith as Falcon really shone through. In the battle between Red Sonja and Queen Gedren, I was thinking "don't look at the wizard, don't look at the wizard, do not.. look at the wizard" and she looked at the wizard.

In 1985, discussions were being made regarding the making of a third Conan the Barbarian film, Conan the Conqueror. What we got instead was a spin-off movie with Conan's female counterpart, Red Sonja, and Arnold Schwarzenegger came back to play another character, Lord Kalidor, as the producers were unable to get the rights to Conan. What was meant to be a cameo turned out to be a major part, and what could have been at least a moderately exciting diversion became the worst film to be set in the Hyborian world.The films begins with Red Sonja (Brigitte Nielsen), whose family has been murdered and who has been raped by the soldiers of an evil queen (Sandahl Bergman), is given powers by a fairy who is never referred to again. Later, Lord Kalidor (Schwarzenegger) is on his way to a ceremony to destroy a device called the Talisman, when he discovers Sonja's sister mortally wounded. He takes her to Sonja, who decides to undergo a quest to destroy the Talisman herself, and eventually get revenge on the evil queen who wronged her.Let me start by saying that you could not get a worse actress to play Sonja than Brigitte Nielsen. This was her first film, and she was a mere 21 years old. When she speaks most of the time, she looks like she is trying to show off, and not play a character. In fact, pretty much all the actors pull of sub-par performances, even Schwarzenegger, who at times looks unexcited to be in the film. However, when his performance is at his best, he is the only actor who is watchable.Character is another problem. Sonja basically has the same backstory as Conan in his initial outing (except Conan was never raped by Thulsa Doom or his men), so it comes off as a repeat of what came before (I've never read the original stories with Sonja). Her whole arc is practically learning to accept having a man to be her lover because she needs one to be happy. Dear Lord. Bergman's evil queen wants to rule the world with the Talisman, but it's also established from the beginning that she has a special interest in Sonja that is never explained. Kalidor may as well be Conan and he develops a love for Sonja that is established improperly. To slightly diverge, Nielsen and Schwarzenegger actually flirted on-set and she fell in love with him. Schwarzenegger rejected her, but directed her to Sylvester Stallone, who became her husband for a couple of years, and her co-star in films like Rocky 4 and Cobra. There is also a little kid prince and his fat, adult servant, who serve no purpose other than comic relief. The kid is incredibly annoying and makes you wish that somebody would just kill him already, since he seems to have many enemies.Another problem is the lack of threat and tension. The queen is aware of Sonja's quest, but seems to only rely on the Talisman to create bad weather; she doesn't even send any men out to try to stop Sonja midway. There is also a serpent made of metal, but it is easy to defeat, and the most it does is take Kalidor for a ride. At times when Sonja is killing a couple of the minor villains in the film, it looks like they are giving up and lowering their defenses on purpose, because if they kept trying, the film would go on longer and it is required in the script that they die (one of the villains also has awful Fu-Manchu claws). Additionally, the special effects and matte paintings look pretty obvious, the fighting choreography is average, and the score by Ennio Morricone, while not bad, sounds more suited to one of the Spaghetti Westerns he worked on.Red Sonja is a waste of film and not something that anyone should be forced to watch. When comparing the two Conan films, the first is a fantasy masterpiece with a great director at the helm (John Milius), an awesome score, great action, a menacing villain in James Earl Jones's Thulsa Doom, and an endearing theme about the human spirit. The sequel, Conan the Destroyer, plays off like an average, kid- friendly B- movie version of the first with a less interesting quest, awkward monster fights, and one or two unnecessary side characters, but it still entertains to an extent and some actually enjoy it more than the original for having more fantasy elements. This film has no reason to exist and is even considered a waste of time by Schwarzenegger himself. He makes the film a little watchable, but that's it. Fun fact: Schwarzenegger has joked that when his kids misbehaved, he would make them watch Red Sonja ten times. Now that's effective punishment right there. Who needs grounding?

This review will be short. I'm giving this rating with a heavy heart. It had passed 15+ years since I heard and watched the intro again. A warrior riding in vast landscapes while one of the greatest soundtracks ever made is playing in tempo with the galloping of the horse. It's truly epic. A birds view shot from the temple, great photography of the priestesses doing their ritual. The evil queen arrives and takes the talisman away, finishing off the remaining alive by dropping them in the talisman's hole. She pulls the lock off the hole's hatch and drops the key in it, assuring a brutal doom to the priestesses. Till there, you think, this is quite great, why is this movie so underrated? Well, from this point on, is where almost everything should have been revised or rewritten. I rest my case.

Arnold the Barbarian meets his match in the shapely form of statuesque Brigitte Nielsen as Red Mullet, who rivals The Austrian Oak's ability with a blade while proving herself equally as inept as the musclebound star at delivering her lines. With these woefully wooden performers sharing much of the screen-time, working from a pitiful script that is heavy on the cheeze, Red Sonja is unintentionally camp, mid-80s sword and sorcery adventure that proves far more amusing than thrilling.In the film's horribly trite opening scene, young Sonja rejects the sexual advances of evil Queen Gedren (Sandahl Bergman), slashing the wicked ruler's face as she struggles to escape; as a result, the queen orders her guards to kill Sonja's family and gang rape the insolent young woman. Years later, having learnt fighting skills from an old master, Sonja is given the opportunity to settle the score when she embarks on a quest to recover a powerful talisman that has been stolen by the despotic Queen Gedren. Together with man mountain Kalidor (Arnie), irritating Prince Tarn (Ernie Reyes Jr.) and his willing slave Falkon (Paul L. Smith), Sonja travels to the queen's fortress to destroy the talisman and put an end to Gedren's tyranny.Despite fairly decent production values—the film boasts impressive sets and costumery, reasonable effects (including some lovely matte paintings), spectacular cinematography, a rousing score from Ennio Morricone, and some well choreographed swordplay—Red Sonja is a rather embarrassing addition to the barbarian genre as a whole. The flat direction from Richard Fleischer renders the action scenes ineffective, the acting is diabolical, the storyline and dialogue utterly asinine, and the film's uneven tone makes it hard to figure out who the intended audience was: much of the movie seems light-hearted and rather juvenile at times, but the severed limbs and gouts of blood make it unsuitable viewing for children.Of course, quite a few giggles can be had from the film's shoddier elements, which include a glowing wood spirit that inexplicably bestows special powers on Sonja (although just what these powers are is never really clear), Arnie riding a mechanical water dragon, Queen Gedren's giant vibrating pet spider, and a shonky steam-driven video screen that wouldn't have looked out of place in a Buster Crabbe Flash Gordon serial from the 30s.