Truly Dreadful Film

The film makes a home in your brain and the only cure is to see it again.

if their story seems completely bonkers, almost like a feverish work of fiction, you ain't heard nothing yet.

This is a dark and sometimes deeply uncomfortable drama

The phenomenon of skateboarding which blossomed in the 70s gets a look in this G rated film about a down and out promoter who sees a bunch of kids doing their skateboard thing and turns them into a team. Allen Garfield stars as the promoter who gets to like the kids no matter how much he first sees them as just a cash cow. Garfield's probably a decent enough guy under ordinary circumstances and considering what he does for a living. But these times aren't ordinary, Garfield is into Anthony Carbone for some bucks and then borrows some bigger bucks to promote the team. The leg breakers will be paying him a call if he doesn't succeed.Which explains the pressures he puts on the kids to win although they don't understand it. Neither does Kathleen Lloyd, team nurse and guardian and all around confidante to Garfield though he levels with her.Leif Garrett who was on the cusp of bubblegum stardom plays one of the kids and Garfield's eventual savior. The rest of the players are skateboarders first and barely handled the dialog.Still it's skateboarding and Leif Garrett that people paid to see and Skateboard gives them their money's worth.

This movie is worth watching when there's skating on screen; too bad there's isn't more of it. Most of the screen time is taken up with the stupid, predictable plot, and I, too, found myself thinking that the stupid dialouge must have been improvised, plus I can't figure out how they managed to make 35mm film look so bad. Manny reminds me of the park owner from Kiss meets the Phantom, a fat loser frantically running around trying to figure out what's cool and then cash in on it. Perhaps more beer or bad behavior from the kids would improve this movie, too. It's worth watching this just to spot Tony Alva (I can't believe he's in this turkey) and to see what skaters looked like in 1977. This movie was already a curiosity when I taped it off TV in the 80s.

"Skateboard" is a late-70's exploitation movie so bad it cannot be saved. The film centers on an unkempt schlub, a beefy deadbeat named Manny (bald on top but shaggy on the sides) who is attacked by a random troupe of street youths on skateboards. (Isn't that always the way?) Manny scolds the punks and then gets a phone call from his bookie, to whom he owes mucho dinero. Manny, the brain-lame slob, as played by Allen (Goorwitz) Garfield, has to think of a quick lie to stall his threatening shylock."I'm going after the youth market," he says, at which point the bookie parrots the sentence back in question form."Yeah, the youth market," says Manny, bluffing, "I'm going to start a skateboard team." You've just heard the movie's most memorable dialogue. Manny's understanding bookie gives him an extension... a new due date for the debt which happens to coincide with the "Skateboarding Championships," an event which Manny, at this point in the film, has no idea exists. Ain't it a small world? Manny then recruits (or maybe kidnaps, as these children don't seem to have parents) the dead-end street kids who are so prevalent in films of this era. Like the bastard children of "The Bad News Bears" or the crude campers from "Meatballs," these early-adolescents drink, smoke, and curse from furry heads of hair and heavy-lidded eyes. Professional skateboarding was in its infancy at the time of the film, and the "stunts" that the kids do are so lame you'll be humiliated FOR them. Handstands on skateboards? A traffic-cone slalom in a high school gymnasium? Stepping the board end-over-end for the "Walking The Dog" trick? Skateboard Downhill Racing?!? We're asked to believe that people will pay good money to see such inanity, because the fans come out in droves, cheering on these semi-determined hobbyists with a fervor found only at the seventh game of the World Series and, maybe sometimes, the Superbowl.The film is not as exciting as I've described it, shot in a care-less documentary style in which the director does not even bother to set up shots. Characters wander in and out of the frame at random... everything is shot in a long master and there is zero coverage- no intercutting or close-ups... and the camera does not move at all. But where the film is truly awful is the lead performance of Allen Garfield. I considered myself a fan of this overlooked actor before I saw this film. His unmistakable apathy disgusted me... he just didn't care. I also don't believe that there was ever a finished script for this film, since most of the dialogue is clearly improvised; it is not only repetitive and overlapping, it is too astoundingly stupid to have been planned beforehand. Bad enough but Mr. Garfield takes it to the next level.The Manny character does most of the talking in the film, which in Garfield's hands becomes neurotic, ineffectual, repetitive, stream-of-conscious babble. I wish I could describe it better but it defies organized thought. He yells at the children constantly, who ignore him as if he weren't there, and he responds to all exchanges by muttering under his breath and bitching like an old crank. He is also so self-indulgent in his grousing that you'd think he was unaware he was being filmed. By the predictable finale I didn't sympathize with him- I hated him. One of the characters- in what I had to believe was an unscripted, improv'd exchange- actually tells Allen to shut his mouth so that someone else can get a word in. Are you starting to imagine how bad this really is?In conclusion "Skateboard" is a movie so bad it's bewildering, and there is nothing here for anyone to enjoy. You can either trust a man who is able to find good in almost *every* bad movie or you can experience it for yourself; please remember you've been warned. If you really want to be depressed just consider the fact that I spent more time and effort on reviewing this film than anyone involved did making the actual movie. Goodnight, folks. GRADE: F

Skateboarding is a pretty ancient depiction of both skateboarding culture and technology as manufacturers somehow hit upon the new, revived fad that was gaining more interest than it had when skateboards first made an appearance in the late 50s and early 60s. The movie itself is rather stupid, especially when you have Dogtown's Z-boy Tony Alva only playing a supporting role while a wiener like Lief Garret got something of a starring role as a burgeoning member of the skate team. With Alva, they wouldn't have needed stunt men.Manny Bloom is a washed up promoter of many failed opportunities. Owing a large debt to a bookie, he surmises that his only shot at squaring his arears is to promote a skate team. Now, being that this is the early days of skateboarding, Manny seemed like a fellow out of his mind for taking such a big risk on a sport that was still developing, never having had the extreme commercial following it does today. But Manny finds a bunch of misfit skateboarders (boys and girls) that he convinces to join a team with him as manager. As the story rolls along, Manny looks pretty pathetic, and fails to earn any respect from his team, which likewise have their own assorted problems. So, in that Mighty Ducks kind of tradition, he has to work hard with the team, so that they may win the championship that Manny has bet everything on.Though terribly corny, the movie is a rather good look at the early days of skateboarding. More like when the sport modeled gymnastics as competitors in their goofy uniforms and flimsy protective gear rolled around on shiny maple floors with their twenty-four inch boards doing nose wheelies and hand stands. To think, Tony Alva, was part of the skating team (the Z-Boys of Dogtown) that competed against fool skateboarding like that and helped turn the entire skateboarding culture upside down (see the documentary, Dogtown and Z-Boys).