Sorry, this movie sucks

I wanted to but couldn't!

An Exercise In Nonsense

It's a good bad... and worth a popcorn matinée. While it's easy to lament what could have been...

Pretty much low-budget, but very entertaining. smart, witty parody on famous fairy-tales, full of cultured humor, without vulgarity and all those nasty things that suppose to be funny these days. Perfect for brain relaxation.8/10

*Contains spoilers! *Contains spoilers! *Contains spoilers! This movie was okay for kids, the jokes were not rude yet one by Grayson, Was heading the wrong way, luckily jack stops him. And the use of the word "Badonkadonk" i think that's how you spell it, Never mind. The fact that jacks dad is dead does allow one dramatic scene that is not ruined by Grayson. Also the fact that this movie was poorly written is quite an open topic for me, the jokes were, well we seen these jokes, in past movies or even youtube videos, so while nothing really new here, some jokes stood out. Whenever someone mentions Jack and the beanstalk, i think Crappy plays, not terrible movies, and poor acting, this was one of them, now no disrespect for Colin it was his first ever movie, and he got a part that was get him little stardom but the kid was something like 12 when this was made,and it was not even in the cinemas, or not advertised well, he has a lot of time to make a fool of himself. But also a lot of time to get a better movie part. I know this is long, and i may seem like a jerk, but you should see me review music, i get insane over it.So this movie was poorly written, mediocre performances and is very little boring as it starts with bad jokes, and feel like another cheap play, this movie was not the worst movie, but its no charmer either, 3/10

Absolutely loved this film, the classic story updated a little and with enough going on to keep the younger viewers occupied. For me, in my mid 50's this was a great re-telling of the original story. had a great time identifying the older actors (and voices). For those that give this film a bad review, put yourselves in the shoes of a 6 or 7 year old seeing and hearing the story for the first time and accept it for what it is, a fairy tale! I thought that the standard of acting, the production and all of the sets were superb, in particular the goose that laid the golden egg, Christoper Lloyd as the schoolmaster and Katey Sagal as Jack,s mother were particularly good performances

OK, so the first thing you would have noticed is that I did not give this movie a rating. This is because of the simple fact that there is not a rating that I could give low enough, that would even begin to represent how terrible this film is. It does not deserve to even be called a movie, and so for the remainder of this review, I will refer to it as an insult. Because that is what it is, I have never in my entire life, felt such an intense mixture of hatred, pity and embarrassment, like which I felt while watching this insult. Now I am not a professional movie critic, and to be honest I will probably never write another review on this site. But the fact that I actually felt compelled to go through the process of creating myself an IMDb account, just so I could write one for this, should be proof enough that I am telling the truth. This review might get negative comments or remarks, I may be called a fool, and it be said that I have no idea about what a good movie is, but at least I will have been heard. There was only one part in this insult, that gave me even the slightest amusement, though it came during a scene where I guess you were supposed to be feeling sad, when Jack found out that his father had died, and he breaks down into tears. But his acting, and I know he was a kid and it was his first production, but his face when he started crying was giving me the message that he was either constipated or was about to sneeze, and I actually laughed, in that strange feeling of anger and pity. But Colin Ford as Jack was not the only stand out role. There was the character of Grayson the goose, played by Gillbert Gottfried who's insistent and relentless reliance on lame pathetic jokes together with the most penetrating and aggravating voice create in my eyes, the most irritating and disgusting performance I have ever seen….EVER. I don't understand how people involved in productions such as this cannot see how absolutely terrible and pathetic their film is going to be before they make it. Everyone who had anything to do with this insult deserve to be captured and put down. How the director can live with himself after knowing how many lives he has ruined by creating this piece of sh** excuse for a movie, I don't know.The special effects were few and cheap, the giant and his minions were so poorly dubbed that I believe even a class of mentally disabled 2 year olds could have moved the mouths in better sync with the sound. The acting was disgusting, and the jokes……..the jokes were so incredibly, pathetically lame, that I actually felt that my intelligence was being frontally abused and insulted, whoever the writers were, whoever they were intending to entertain with their jokes, I can say only one thing……EPIC FAIL. It could be argued that its humour was aimed at young children, but i do enjoy good kids movies, and i can see how those movies would be funny to a child, but unfortunately, this is not the case. It will be a sad sad day when this is what is considered funny to children. If I had one wish in my lifetime, I would wish that this insult had never been spawned from the deepest darkest depths of hell, it is so bad, that it is in its self the cruelest act of torture. A creation of such evil, that it can bring out the worst in anyone, I believed myself a calm collected person, I used to pride myself on my tolerance and ability to not get angry. But once I copped this insult, I was filled with such an intense and unsatisfiable rage, that I felt I had to write this review and let it out. And I am hoping that by doing so, I can save you my friends from ever having to experience what I have. I have never in my entire life, felt such an unreal and pure hatred towards anything I have seen, read or heard. I would honestly prefer to sit through an entire Justin Bieber concert (that's right I said it) than see this again. I will not ever ever ever ever ever……..EVER, watch this again. Do yourself a favor my friends, heed my warning don't put yourself through it.