best movie i've ever seen.

Admirable film.

Fanciful, disturbing, and wildly original, it announces the arrival of a fresh, bold voice in American cinema.

All of these films share one commonality, that being a kind of emotional center that humanizes a cast of monsters.

To begin, one must discuss our protagonist, Vinnie Jones. Such a diverse actor allows this film to truly play to his strengths. At one point, I thought he was going to cry, but of course not - he is a man. Invariably, other than the truly great performance of Mr. Danny Dyer, the best caricature performed by diverse acting quality, the stand out performer is Jason 'The Monk' Statham.In his three glorious lines of dialogue, Statham esquire (our god) gives an incredible embodiment of an accent from some vague region in the north. It was only after following upon further research on the great man that one discovered that rather to my great surprise his locale was not of such an area, but instead of midland descent. Arguably, one may consider that 'The Stath' does not need lines, but instead is brought alive by a script that relies on the expressive capability of his face. This gives brevity and a continual sincerity to his humble beginnings.The prior reciprocity displayed between both Jones and Statham adds a great deal of gravitas and a hapticity that one can truly grasp, much like this very review. Their footballing credentials whilst at grammar school (1978-1983) therefore supports the particular bond depicted on screen. Statham's career in diving is substantially exhibited by his abs which are clearly shown in his inaugural scene. These are quite simply hewn from obsidian, and connote a particular majesty in his on screen presence. Criticisms with the film are few, but fraught. In particularity, the scene of a coital nature between Vinnie 'Mean Machine' Jones and the governor's receptionist is quite frankly appalling. More needs to be made of Statham's abs and moreover his truly masculine body art. Also the governor's eyebrows require their own role and are wasted on such trivial application. Despite this, the film is literally perfect. This is delineated through a true stamp of quality - the Umbro branding, which is extraordinarily consistently prominently well placed. In summary, this film personifies the true nature of English heritage and the argument that Jason Statham is indeed on his way to becoming a true national treasure, such as Gary Lineker. This film indeed (re)devines the vernacular of modern day sporting cinema and such should be inducted into the cinematic hall of fame. A must for viewers of all ages, especially lovers of art house theatre.-Da Boiz-

Having never seen Burt Reynolds in The Longest Yard you won't have to listen to me compare the two, with that said,, I loved the all British ensemble cast ,, Jason Statham obviously did a nice job ,, but to me Mr. Vinnie Jones steals the show, I love him in everything he's in it seems.. this movie is about a national soccer hero who screws up in a major championship game is ridiculed by his countrymen,, winds up in prison,, and organizes a soccer game between the inmates and the guards. stirring and compelling look at prison life in a foreign country as opposed to most movies where it's all based in the United States of America. I love all of the British accents, the scenery in the movie is also very nice, above average picture , story of one man leading a group of men to a greater cause, in an otherwise dreary everyday existence.

Danny Meehan(Vinnie Jones), a former captain of the English national football team who was banned from football for life for fixing a match between England and Germany, is sentenced to three years in Longmarsh prison for assaulting two police officers after a lengthy drinking session and driving wildly to a local bar, whilst in prison he gets asked to coach the guards but refuses. Meehan (Jones) then goes on to make a team of convicts, with half the people in Longmarsh not liking him it wont be an easy task.This film is very good; it involves violence & humour at the same time. It's not for younger viewers due to the language & violence involved in some scenes. I like this film because of its story line & casting.I would give the film 4 stars out of 5.

"Mean Machine" was a crisp, "thud"-packed film that didn't fight with clichés, but instead gave us an action-comedy that only the British can conquer. While most will complain that this film doesn't do justice to the original, I must ask if Sandler's did either? "The Longest Yard" wasn't a groundbreaking piece of cinema, and to see a British team remake the film, it is almost like a smile on our American faces. How often does that happen? So, without seeing much of the other two films, I went into "Mean Machine" with a clean slate, and enjoyed every moment of it. This was a fresh film, commercial in every since of the word, but fresh for what we decided to remake and slaughter.I hate sports films. With this film I thought I would watch and return, without giving it a second thought. I thought it would be another cliché moment of the underdogs beating out at the last moment without anyone skipping a beat and winning the female lead at the end. We have all seen these before, and it is the cliché ride that most sports films seem to fall. While "Mean Machine" was similar in nature, what lead to those final moments was really what transformed this film to above average. Vinnie Jones is tolerable. Actually, he is better in this film and shows more range with "Mean Machine" than I have seen him grapple in years. Sure, he was fun in the Guy Ritchie films, but it was fun to see him play the lead this time, while Jason Statham played the muscle. I loved, and in fact love his body of work, David Kelly. He was phenomenal as the older mentor in this film. What made "Mean Machine" stand out was the cast, the trouble I had with Sandler's film was that everyone was fighting to get the best joke in, everyone wanted to be in a scene with Sandler or Rock, but in this one, everyone had their own voice and logic. There were actual characters in this film, ones that stood beyond themselves and created the world we were viewing. With any sports film, there is that inconsistency that could transform the film into a very flat picture. That was never the case here. Jones and his crew gave us direction from point A to point B without missing a beat. Doc, Burton, Massive, Monk, Ratchett, and Sykes brought the prison alive and made us root for a game we have nearly disregarded in America.The weakest part of this film had to be the story. While the characters gave the story a voice as well as characters to root for, there was just something lacking with the story. It was strong, much stronger than most sports films of the same nature, but there was just that level of punch missing that you would expect from any typical British film. The direction may have had something to do with it, but not completely. I can't put my finger on the issue, and I think it has to do with the ability to recycle films – there is always something missing from each carbon copy. I need to see the original, but alone, "Mean Machine" was directed eagerly, but lacked the depth in the story. I wanted to see Danny's downfall in the beginning, I wanted to know more about him prior to his jail time, the idea of him fixing games seemed minimal in the overall scope of what Danny had to do with playing the guards. I needed that knowledge of whom he was and the struggles that he was facing. Sure, it wasn't meant to be this grand bio-pic, but something (as short as it was needed) had to be there. Maybe I am pulling at straws, but as I look at this picture as a whole, it was a stand-alone film that prided laughs (intelligent ones) as well as hard hitting action, but it needed something more. I could watch this film again, and I would go through the motions, but something was missing. It was like having the best piece of pie in the county, but realizing later that a scoop of ice cream would have been nice as a side. Unknown director Barry Skolnick places this film together well, but I feel as if he could have done more. I didn't need another "Lock, Stock", but I needed something that grabbed me further into.Will I buy this film? Yep, I think I will just because I loathe the 20-minutes of the Sandler version and prefer to give others a taste of what decent remakes are like, but I cannot say that it is the best film watched. My review seems scattered at best, and as I read through it again, I don't think I have quite the grasp on this film as I hoped. I liked it, not loved it, and I could watch it again, but not too often. Bubbles have more consistency than I do with "Mean Machine". Maybe it was Charlie Fletcher's screenplay, but honestly I think I am just grabbing at air. I think what could have toppled me with this film would have been some special features. Something to show me how it was made, an audio commentary to give me a voice for the director, something that would have made me look deeper into this film. "Mean Machine" isn't bland, but I needed a better flavor.Overall, I liked it. I am growing tired of this review and think it will throw others off the trail of this invitingly fresh film, so I am going to stop. I think everyone should watch this. Sure, it doesn't have the bathroom humor of Sandler's version, but it does provide the Brits an opportunity to demonstrate that their "football" is just as exciting as ours.Grade: *** out of *****