Wow! Such a good movie.

It's fun, it's light, [but] it has a hard time when its tries to get heavy.

A movie that not only functions as a solid scarefest but a razor-sharp satire.

This is a small, humorous movie in some ways, but it has a huge heart. What a nice experience.

There aren't many spoilers here, all in the last couple of paras – everyone knows what's going to happen in a film like this and, because there's a single star, we also know who's going to be around all the way through.This is a familiar storyline with the on-train setting providing an interesting twist, but you have seen it all before. However, it's better than its IMDb score and better than other movies of this type for one reason, Thora Birch. Birch has long been one of the finest actresses around, who (like Emily Perkins and others) doesn't always get the top parts because other less good actors have more conventional good looks and of course the heroine has to be "beautiful". Unlike many fine actors, Birch doesn't stop trying just because she's in a less-than-brilliant movie, surrounded by less-than-brilliant acting from the rest of the cast. She's just as excellent in this as in 'The Hole' for example.The rest of the film is slightly better than OK. The dialogue is reasonable, the supporting cast aren't that bad, particularly some of the OTT bad guys, the story makes more sense than in many films of this type (though that doesn't mean it always makes a lot of sense) and the direction, shot-composition, pacing, etc. are all fine. There's a LOT of gore and splatter – it's that kind of film. Some have criticised it for being xenophobic and the reactions of the legitimate train passengers is one of the aspects which isn't believable. But this is not some thoughtful political allegory. Watch it for what it is, a fairly mindless splatter-thriller.There are a couple of real high-points towards the end. What she does to the bad guy after the climactic fight had me laughing and cheering – just hilarious! And the final 30 seconds are pure genius, for the expression on her face alone. I so wanted to see just 30 seconds more – that's all it would have taken! Thora Birch is great in this. If her performance doesn't pull you in and make you care, you must be one of those corpses on the hooks and tables. It drags this otherwise ordinary splatter movie up from a 4 to a 6. Worth a watch for anyone who can cope with the splatter. If you positively enjoy that kind of thing, then this is one of the best you'll see and not to be missed.

I would love to get inside the minds of anyone who rated this higher than a 2.Anyone who knows about how movies are made should know that even if a company buys a GOD AWFUL script.... they can always CHANGE it. Stanley Kubrick was known to write scripts as he filmed (The Shinning) so.... there is ABSOLUTELY no reason that this story should be this bad. The director can change the script for free. The producers can sit down and change the script, for free. Hell, even actors have thrown their two cents in and made GREAT changes to movies. You don't have to hire a writer to change a bad story into a good one.It's like, everyone on this film really liked it because, you cannot sit up here and tell me that NO ONE working this film had something bad to say about it.1. Scenes were too dark: I'll be 30 soon and I am FULLY embracing gore. Gimme a little light so I can see. I thought the disgusting dissections could have been good, but I could not see them! 2. Good idea, bad execution: Harvesting organs! Yes. On a train... uh. Torture before hand?? No thanks. Whats the point of that? Sooooo, I guess this movie is pointless.3.Wrestlers, not being able to defend themselves?? Well, if their wrestling match was any sign of their fighting skills, then I guess so. I was not intimidated by anyone on the team... The coach told one of them that he couldn't talk unless he won, and the chick lost too, so that's 1 out of 3 victories... I guess they did suck...4. Let's not try to escape... let's just run around like idiots... OKAY! How the hell did they make it into the woods with NO ONE really looking for them and still, one of them gets killed.5. Why was it gross sometimes, but not at other times? Like when harvesting organs they got blood and guts galore! But when a man takes an ax to the belly there is no blood or anything? Why?? So he could do his own stuns??6. No one, tries to help anyone, basically... How are you gonna kill the dude trying to rape you and then run off and leave the man in the cage when the other rapist sees you?? Why don't you follow your own lead and kill him, after you let the man out of the cage... LOGIC. Dude has his dick out, he's super vulnerable. On top of that, all this rape and implied rape is totally unnecessary, as were the characters who did the raping. They did not make the story better in any way.The list could go on so let me just say: This movie had absolutely NO logic. I finished it because I was WAITING AND WAITING FOR SOMEONE, ANYONE to man up! COME ON! It was like, dumb on top of dumb.There are somethings I expect... tripping while you run away, getting caught and locked up, but this was like crawling when you could easily run and putting on your own handcuffs. When you fall, get up and sprint it out, when you get caught, escape... This movie just surrendered.

TRAIN is a one-note film with a one-note idea: somebody, somewhere said "let's make HOSTEL and set it on a train". The project was greenlight, and this movie was born, a vehicle for former Hollywood starlet Thora Birch produced by her former porn star father, Jack.And, unsurprisingly, it turns out to be pretty rubbish. This is low budget, xenophobic nonsense throughout, shot in Eastern Europe and happily ripping off HOSTEL left, right, and centre. The story goes that a group of American gymnastics students are stranded abroad and suckered into boarding a decidedly dodgy train, where the usual shenanigans arise. This is a torture porn film and nothing else, so whether you enjoy it or not depends on how much you like seeing people getting bits snipped off them at frequent intervals.The film boasts poor acting, one note characterisation, and bad direction. Thora Birch is just about adequate as the heroine, but the rest of the cast aren't up to much - apart from Gideon Emery perhaps, as the only distinctive one of the group (he's playing a gay, dope-smoking elder who hooks up with the rest). The villainous motivations are ludicrous, and the film really drags despite the plentiful action and many death sequences. I was also surprised at the sheer number of plot holes and goofs along the way, which indicates it was probably written and rushed out in a hurry to cash in on the success of the (thankfully) short-lived "torture porn" genre. In any case, it's a dog of a film.

It's not often that I'm able to sum up an entire film's plot effectively with only four words, but with this one it's easy: Hostel on a train. Writer/director Gideon Raff has taken the basic premise of Eli Roth's 2005 horror hit, in which a bunch of American teens in Eastern Europe are hacked to pieces by sadistic killers, and transplanted it to a Russian steam locomotive. The result is a mean spirited and gory movie that should satisfy most viewers' blood-lust, but it is also a thoroughly daft effort rendered laughable by plot-holes big enough to drive the film's massive locomotive through.American Beauty star Thora Birch plays Alex, one of a group of American college wrestlers taking part in an international inter-school competition in Russia (she doesn't look much like wrestler, but I still wouldn't mind having a tussle). When Alex and her friends miss their scheduled rail connection to Odessa (having sneaked out to visit a local nightclub), they are tricked into taking an alternative train—one which turns out to be a mobile base for an organ harvesting operation. The kids are captured one-by-one and torn apart for their useful bits until only Alex is left alive; but although things look grim for the plucky girl, trapped and outnumbered on the speeding train, she's not about to give in without a fight.Raff's direction is proficient, the cast all do a reasonable job, and the effects are suitably stomach churning, but the extremely silly plot leaves one asking far too many questions for which there no reasonable answers: How could such an elaborate illegal operation be feasible? Why do the kids happily hand over their passports to the train's' obviously untrustworthy staff? Can extremely delicate transplants be carried out on a moving train? How does Alex keep on moving after receiving several punches to the face that would have floored an elephant? Why remove the organs in a filthy, stinking, rusty carriage when they would need to be kept as clean as possible? As the film progresses, more and more awkward questions arise, undermining any sense of tension.Given the stupidity of the narrative, it should also come as no surprise to learn that the characters make some really dumb decisions that don't exactly help their situation, including accepting an invitation to a party in an unfamiliar part of a foreign city, believing everything total strangers tell them, never fighting back (even when they outnumber their attacker and are trained wrestlers), and dropping any decent weapons in favour of running away unarmed.The strange thing is, despite all of the impossibilities presented by the plot and the sheer idiocy of the film's teens, I actually had a good time with Train: the gore went a long way to keeping me entertained, being extremely vicious at times and easily topping the excesses of Roth's movie; there is quite a bit of general depravity, including an orgy in the nightclub, two of the bad guys taking time out to urinate on a victim, and even a spot of necro-buggery; the ending is hilarious, with the diminutive Birch going all Rambo and taking on all of the baddies single-handedly; and I probably shouldn't have, but I loved the the fact that the film was so unapologetically xenophobic, with the loathsome Russians taken to such a ridiculous level—easily reaching 11 on the Evilometer—that they became more amusing than frightening.For keeping me entertained despite its many flaws and a complete absence of originality, I give Train a reasonable 6 out of 10.