Sorry, this movie sucks

Let's be realistic.

The film never slows down or bores, plunging from one harrowing sequence to the next.

Exactly the movie you think it is, but not the movie you want it to be.

It's amazing what you can find when you're not looking. While surfing through the various sites I usually frequent to watch free movies, I stumbled across this inept little monstrosity hidden among poverty row horrors and cardboard cutout sci-fi. Released at the very beginning of the drive-in double-features golden age, Fire Maidens of Outer Space is arguably one of the worst films ever made.Fire Maidens of Outer Space concerns a team of male astronauts who are launched from Earth to research one of Jupiter's Moons. When they arrive however they are greeted by a population of beautiful women seeking mates to continue the species. As far as plots go, it's not the worst sci-fi concept; it's somewhere between season 3 of Lost in Space (1965-1968) and Gene Roddenberry slumming it. Yet what sets Fire Maidens apart from other mediocre sci-fi; what makes it closest to the spirit of Ed Wood than any other movie in 1956 is it's abysmal failure on all fronts.The direction can be best described as shoot and point; giving no reference points, establishing shots and worse still, stealing all the atmosphere. The dialogue is asinine with so many poorly conscripted plot points and utterances seemingly taken out of Leave it to Beaver (1957-1963). Actors sit and stand in front of cobbled together sets that flimsily sway whenever blocking is required. When the crew stumbles around outside in what looks like a public park, the camera keeps a distance if only so the crew can avoid having to wait for a permit. As for the acting itself; well, let's just say its as cardboard as their spaceship.Now by this point, fans of infamously bad director Ed Wood might have pricked their ears up. Does Fire Maidens truly saunter past that line of just plain awful into Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959) open DVD case at your own risk awful? Yes, Fire Maidens does reach that low, low bar, offering the same shoddy workmanship, sluggish editing and absurdly contrived goofiness you would expect. What's more Fire Maidens rewards an already suffering audience with pretentious Greek character names and blaring classical music screeching in the background. Who knew that a movie featuring a grousing scab monster would also feature a five minute interpretive dance about Grecian urns. Thanks movie for making me feel like being stuck in a dentist's waiting room, trapped under something heavy.Seriously, Plan 9 (1959) is actually a better movie. If Fire Maidens of Outer Space was made today, it would be on the dusty top shelf of a Freshman film student's dorm closet. It simply wouldn't be viewed unless that said student wanted to feel embarrassed. By virtue of being made in 1956 when out-of-control teenagers weren't really paying attention to the screen, the film did find distribution. Now we can see it on youtube.com for free. Thank goodness for the modern age. Because of it we get to watch bad movies for free insuring the only thing we waste is our time.

Sixty years after seeing "Fire Maidens" more than once on late-night TV on our local station in Ohio, I obtained a copy of the movie on DVD and saw it again last night. Wow, everything the other IMDb reviewers say about this movie is true. It's a real stinker.As a kid, though, I was intrigued by the exotic music from Borodin, which was the only aspect of the movie that gave a sense of being on another planet. Otherwise, the movie looked and felt exactly as if it had been made in someone's basement (for the interiors) in New Jersey (for the exteriors). But I never got tired of that music.I don't recall being turned on by the scantily clad women in their several dances to this music, though I was of an age when I might have been, and it was an era when just a glimpse of leg could be exciting. Now, of course, the dances can't stand up to our world of 24/7 sex. But as an adult I enjoyed the dances because the dancers were so hilariously inept.I kept wondering how Borodin would have reacted to this movie!

You know, in spite of how bad this one is I really like it. It's one of my fav of the older MST3Ks, because of the sheer cheese factor and the very funny riffing on this travesty by the SOL crew. The sad thing is they took a few bits of interesting plot(they didn't even know if Jupiter had a 13th moon in the 50s!) and padded it out with the most ridiculous things - bad dancing, loathsome men leering at pretty girls, a really stupid 'monster'(which they never explain the origins of), men smoking and sitting around, an inexplicable cup of poisoned wine, and a sacrifice that never quite happens. The science part of this sci fi movie is almost non-existent. The 'astronauts' don't wear spacesuits; the ship is retarded looking and wouldn't even get off the ground; two levers control every function on the ship; the moon is identical to Earth in every way; the Atlanteans speak English with no explanation; and not only is the trip way too fast when they communicate with Earth there is no time lag whatsoever even though they're millions of miles apart. The Stranger in Paradise soundtrack is so repetitive that it makes you want to stick an ice pick in your ear after awhile so you don't have to listen to it anymore. Lots of padding, male chauvinism, girls in skimpy costumes, and innuendo. Horrible, to say the least. But wonderfully cheesy, which is why its so amusing in spite of all of these defects. MST3K just had so MUCH to work with! The movie isn't dull like so many Corman films, in spite of the padding.

I've read many comments on this film over the years, from fully fledged movie critics & amateurs alike. Apart from a few exceptions, it is universally slammed. Surely these ultra-critical critics have missed the whole point - Fire Maidens From Outer Space is exactly what it was meant to be, quite simply an extremely low-budget piece of escapism which requires no deep thinking, or analysis, on the part of the viewer. It was obviously made on the frayed edge of a shoestring budget, but it still manages to convey a charm all of its own. I remember seeing the film as a child, not long after its release in the UK when, I think it was on a double bill with a Superman film (can anyone confirm this?) and saw it again on TV in 1963. Even watching it today, it is perfectly clear that it has lost none of its original distinctive innocence and charm. Obviously it has many flaws, and as these have been catalogued many, many times, it is pointless to repeat them here and now. However, one comparison I must dispute most strongly is that with Plan Nine From Outer Space. That particular Ed Wood effort was plainly irritating, and is scarcely watchable all the way through, in one sitting. Fire Maidens From Outer Space certainly doesn't come across as irritating or tedious, and is just a bit of fun. Anyway, I don't care what anyone thinks or says, I will always be fond of this film, in all its innate glory, or not, as the case may be.