Truly the worst movie I've ever seen in a theater

Sick Product of a Sick System

After playing with our expectations, this turns out to be a very different sort of film.

Blistering performances.

No matter how noble his scientist characters may seem, poor Lugosi always ends up on the wrong side of the Bunsen burner. He's studying the similarity between man and their Neanderthal ancestors, and along with partner John Carradine, ends up in the North Pole where they actually find one. This is the supposed "ape man" of the title, and back home, once the ancient being defrosts, he becomes the proud owner of a new brain thanks to Mr. Lugosi. Carradine is a noble family man who tries to stop Lugosi, only to receive his revenge in return. The absolutely dreadful Teala Loring plays Carradine's niece, whose fiancée (Tod Andrews) becomes the desired brain donor by Lugosi for his thousand year old man who looks absolutely hysterically funny playing the piano. While the Neanderthal does commit a few murders, one of them makes no sense considering the brain it ends up in. This is not a very scary movie, or very scientific with the laboratory even dumber looking than the one Lugosi had in "Bride of the Monster". Inappropriate marching music decorates the dramatic sequences. As a result, it is very boring and features some of the dumbest police officers on film. Even worse is the fact that George Zucco, billed as the ape man, doesn't appear at all, that honor going to Frank Moran. Cheap sets and horrid direction by Phil Rosen (best known for the Monogram Charlie Chan films) make one long for the skills of Monogram's busiest director, William Beaudine.

Bela Lugosi made more than his share of low-budget stinkers during World War II, but "Return of the Ape Man" might be the worst. In fact, it might be the worst film he made prior to his teaming up with Ed Wood, Jr. Lugosi plays an amoral scientist with a special interest in cryogenics (though that word is never actually used). After abducting, freezing and reviving a bum, with the help of fellow scientist John Carradine, he ups the ante by sponsoring an expedition to find a frozen prehistoric man, which he does find, in about three minutes, thanks to dynamite. He revives the "ape man," who of course is a murderous brute, controlled only by waving fire in his face, but wants to go further by implanting part of a modern brain in him, allowing him to remember what it was like living in Bedrock. When Carradine objects, HE becomes the unwitting brain donor, and further chaos ensues. This is one of those films that is so cheap you can see the sets wobble. Carradine somehow manages to retain his dignity (more than he would in many other trash films), and Lugosi is...well, Lugosi. The scene in which Lugosi traps Carradine on an electrified plate in his lab, and then lassos him and ties him up, while the two are holding a philosophical conversation, has to rank high in the annals of bad cinema. George Zucco was supposed to play the ape man, and he's there literally for a couple seconds, but he took ill and was replaced by an actor named Frank Moran, who's actually not bad. But the script is awful, the direction non-existent, the prolonged ending involves the ape man carrying the heroine around, and around, and AROUND, in what at one point looks like a parody of Universal's "The Mummy's Tomb," and the canned musical score is ludicrously inappropriate to the action in just about every scene. The musical highlight comes early on during a stock footage sequence of the ship carrying the expedition, which is accompanied by a sprightly "Rosie O'Grady"-style waltz tempo. Sometimes these Monogram epics are so bad they're enjoyable, but the enjoyment wears out quickly in this one, leaving nothing but people running back-and-forth on cardboard sets to ridiculous music.

Two scientists, Prof. Dexter and Prof. Gilmore (played by horror legends Bela Lugosi and John Carradine), have developed a method of reanimating a frozen body with no adverse affects. They decide to test their discovery on a primitive man frozen in ice for thousands of years. Again, they find success. Still not satisfied, Prof. Dexter wants to place half of a modern brain into his primitive guinea pig. But where to find a brain? Prof Dexter's not above murder if it will advance his theories.I'm usually willing to cut these Poverty Row films a break, but Return of the Ape Man features the worst of what these movies had to offer. First off, there's the incredibly misleading credit sequence that promises George Zucco. I'm a huge fan of Zucco. I was actually more interested in watching him than either Bela Lugosi or John Carradine. And even though his name appears twice in the opening credits, he's nowhere to be found. What's up with that! Next, the overall acting is absolutely terrible. Carradine has so little to do that he's hardly in the movie – and acts it. You can usually count on Lugosi for a fun performance, but even he appears to be going through the motions. The rest of the unknown cast is abysmal, except for Teala Loring. She provides the one lone spark Return of the Ape Man has to offer. Thirdly, the titular Ape Man is hardly an Ape Man at all. He looks more like a guy with long hair and a beard. It's a hoot to listen to character after character describe the hippy looking dude as more ape-like than man. My guess is that Monogram came up with a title and had a script before they checked their budget for the special effects necessary to create an Ape Man. Finally, even by Monogram standards, Return of the Ape Man is cheap looking. Often, the sets look like they might have fallen over had someone breathed too heavily in the wrong direction. And the Arctic expedition scenes are laugh out loud funny in how cheap they are. A few seconds of stock footage followed by Carradine and Lugosi standing around talking while wearing the most ridiculous fur coats and hats does not make for a very authentic looking scene. Return of the Ape Man might be the bottom of the proverbial barrel as far as Poverty Row thrillers goes. I'm being generous with my 3/10.

Having now watched some 12 of Lugosi's "cheapies", I'm surprised by how much I enjoyed some of them - but others are just so silly that, for me, it hampers rather than enhances their entertainment value! Unfortunately, RETURN OF THE APE MAN happens to be one of them.Let's begin with the good stuff: Lugosi and Carradine interact well together and I'd say that their roles here are equally important, despite the latter's below-title billing (though he's not interesting as a straight man, and I obviously prefer him when he goes over-the-top). Well, that's basically it - somehow, I felt that this one fell below the standard of the other films I've watched. Apart from the usual plot contrivances (not the least of which is Lugosi mounting an Arctic expedition, with a million-to-one chance of discovering the 'Missing Link', just so he can prove his theory about 'suspended animation'!) and the fact that, once unearthed, the 'creature' is given very little to do, the film suffers from listless pacing - where everybody apparently takes his sweet time about everything (witness Lugosi's calm and composed reaction at the Ape Man's escape from his laboratory, or the sheer amount of time it takes two cops to break down the door to the lab at the climax) - which really drowns any effort to get involved in the story!I truly wanted to enjoy this one for what it was and not examine it unduly but the script was so lazy and the handling so uninspired that it was awfully hard for me to excuse its deficiencies simply because it was Poverty Row stuff. Do you want examples? O.K...although I agree that the best line in the film was the one uttered by Lugosi - "Some people's brains would never be missed" - that very sequence is actually where my heart sank and I knew that it was going to get worse from that point on. Why on earth would Lugosi choose, of all people, his own assistant's future son-in-law as his 'guinea pig'?! As I said, the creature itself did nothing but commute from one house (Lugosi's) to another (Carradine's). Oh, yes...he did give us an unprecedented glimpse of his bare buttocks during his climb out of Lugosi's laboratory window! I have to say, though, that the image of Lugosi chasing the Ape Man into the streets with a blowtorch did put an effortless smile on my face! Worst of all, perhaps, is the hurried way in which the sequence where Lugosi traps Carradine is shot: rather than milk the scene for all the suspense it obviously contains by judicious cross-cutting, the director chooses to shoot it in one bland, medium-shot which, if one blinks long enough, would probably miss it!! Similarly tossed away is the sequence where the Creature (now with Carradine in control) goes back to his house and starts wandering about and even sits down to play the piano; one only has to recall how moving Freddie Jones was (in similar circumstances) under Terence Fisher's direction in FRANKENSTEIN MUST BE DESTROYED (1969). Sure, these programmers were made fast and cheap (as were Hammer's, after all) but how costly would it have been for the film-makers to pour some real effort into their work?