Please don't spend money on this.

Absolutely the worst movie.

A different way of telling a story

One of the worst ways to make a cult movie is to set out to make a cult movie.

Affluent people live an affluent lifestyle with vague hints of something else going on. Except in Secrets, Columbo never shows up. Everyone (and I mean everyone) is white, straight and extremely early 90's. They're also, despite what the title says, distinctly lacking in juicy secrets. I bought this for 98p on Amazon. Because it was 98p and had bloody Christopher Plummer in it. Basic 'plot' is that they're glamorous actors making a glamorous Dallas style show. They all have problems in their personal life they are trying to keep hidden.The story is dull, the dialogue is just awful and the soundtrack is like it was a made for a different film and it's just playing over random scenes. Oh, and everyone is rich. The only exception being a pair of trailer-trash blackmailers and a drugged up prostitute, all of whom are minor characters and meet unhappy ends. But that's okay because literally all the rich folks find bright futures. Including the young actor kid whose stands trial for the murder of his drugged up prostitute wife.A wife, he hasn't told anyone in the show about. And who is now conveniently dead leaving him free to pursue a glowing TV career and the love of a millionaire heiress (who he sleeps with the day after the funeral). He's got no alibi. He's got the motive. He doesn't suggest any other suspects. And yet everyone is so sure 'a kid like that' is innocent. The jury let him off after Christopher Plummer testifies to his good character. A happy ending, yay! But what about the murdered wife? Who actually did that? Oh, wait, the film doesn't care

Okay, it's not the best show you'll ever see. The lead actress is mannered and phony. The supporting cast is pretty bad, especially the actress and the blue jean ad guy. The script is bland. However, I suggest you fast forward past all that to get to the Christopher Plummer scenes. As always, he turns in a solid performance. And he's very attractive in this film. Very. I mean very. Yum. Who cares about the supporting actor who is said to be so attractive in his blue jean ad. I didn't even notice him, except how bad his acting was. It was Christopher Plummer I noticed. I did a screen capture of him from the DVD and I have it as my desktop wallpaper. Yum.

This is a lame duck of a TV movie. Effectively a soap opera about a soap opera, the ensemble cast shuttle back and forth between the art of creating fiction and the terrible secrets that threaten to expose them all.The story feels stretched but curiously littered with as many holes as a golf course. It's nowhere as good as it should be and lacks the acerbic put-downs one would expect from Stephanie Beachem as the improbably named Sabina Quarles. The problem with Beacham's character is that we are lulled into thinking she is a reincarnation of her former alter ego, Sable, from Dynasty; the reality is she's as bland as the rest of the cast. It's also a slow movie with more formulaic banter than a toothpaste advert.

Jane Adams (Linda Purl) is a former TV soap actress who has retired to be the Pasedena housewife of Dan (John Bennet Perry) who is abusive. However producer Mel Wexler (Christopher Plummer) wants her for his ensemble cast of a new TV series entitled Manhattan. Jane gets romantically involved with co-star Zack Taylor (Gary Collins), and they help each other, with Zack being blackmailed for a video of sex with a minor, and Zack coming to Jane's rescue when Dan threatens her life.Purl wears an amusing black wig when pretending to be a child welfare officer to expose the blackmailer, but unfortunately is dressed in a series of unflattering outfits. Her partnership with Collins gives them an awkward kiss and and an unconvincing sex scene, with the problem being Collins, though Purl is good when Jane is confronted by Dan and she answers him fearfully.The teleplay by William Bast and Paul Huson, based on the novel by Danielle Steel, presents a narrative that is as trite as the glimpses of Manhattan that we see. Although it may be true in Hollywood, ever cast member has a secret which is counter-productive to their work, and the theme is voiced in `Keeping secrets takes up a lot of energy'. The one given the most time is that of Billy Warrick (Ben Browden), cast as the ubiquitous hunk though married in real life to a drug addict, former actress Sandy Westfield (Brenda Bakke). When Sandy is killed, Billy is tried for murder, and the cast all appear at the trial as a `family'. The other main secret is that of Sabina Quarles (Stephanie Beacham) who has an illegitimate dying son she is always flying out to see, though she is also sleeping with Mel. Whilst the dialogue is on the level of `A drug addict is nobody's wife' and a Manhattan love scene is re-enacted line for line, there is one laugh in `I'm not about to put millions of dollars behind an unknown, although it was his behind that sold all those blue jeans'.Director Peter H Hunt provides some ineffectual montages of the production process, a laugh with `That's lunch' after a cast slap, and an interrogating policeman eating a hamburger. Plummer and Purl survive without totally embarrassing themselves, but Beacham's poor-man's Joan Collins routine with deliberate mannered delivery undermines the flood of tears when she confesses her secret.