Fresh and Exciting

In truth, there is barely enough story here to make a film.

The movie turns out to be a little better than the average. Starting from a romantic formula often seen in the cinema, it ends in the most predictable (and somewhat bland) way.

The story, direction, characters, and writing/dialogue is akin to taking a tranquilizer shot to the neck, but everything else was so well done.

Two cousins, Ray and Mickey, are the joint bosses of one of London's largest, home-grown, criminal empires. Whilst Ray is more focused on his now respectable appearance, with golf-club memberships and the like, Mickey keeps his eye on the street. In the knowledge that times are changing, the old-school gangsters are keen to keep a tight rein on their henchmen and lieutenants. Then when a deal gone wrong with an East European criminal organisation culminates with a mass shooting in South London, Mickey and Ray conclude that the only way to put things right will be to commit a diamond robbery – ripping off another criminal group – in Europe. Going onto the continent to carry out the crime, they ingeniously use an England v Germany football match as cover, and so travel with a large group of football hooligans, led by Mickey's older brother (an ageing thug). However, unknown to them until it's too late, one of the hooligans is posting messages on the internet in order to provoke mass fights with the German hooligan gangs – bringing Mickey, Ray and their robbers, into direct police attention. All the while, they are being tracked by a die-hard London Police Detective, intent on bringing Mickey and Ray down. But then into the chaotic mix, prior to pulling off the diamond heist, it becomes apparent that one of the gang is an informer… "Saint George's Day" is an ambitious, British crime thriller which fuses football hooliganism with gangsterism – although as separate entities rather than as one extended concept. There are many contemporary themes within the story, to its merit, and for the most part it succeeds in bringing these to life in an entertaining way – but it is hampered by an unnecessarily drawn-out attempt at character study of the two leads, by several recurring and tiresome clichés and with its questionable depiction of the London underworld.

I nominate this film for worst voice-over narration of all time. Director/star Frank Harper sounds like he has been forced to read out the phone book in its entirety. Talk about sleepwalking through a project, and it's his own bleeding film, guvnor. Now, Harper is no Danny Dyer, he more than looks the part when playing the London hard man and has been used to good effect by directors like Nick Love and Shane Meadows. Unfortunately, here he's directing himself in the sort of vanity project that would only get funded by the British film industry. He's recruited a veritable who's who of crap gangster and football hooligan films for St George's Day. And Keeley Hazell who gives one of the worst performances ever committed to celluloid. This truly awful effort takes you into a world of Peckham melts, ageing hooligans who keep going on about the war even though they've never been near one, uncharismatic, perma-tanned villains with a hard on for Churchill and cretinous hanger ons, just there to keep the idiotic plot ticking along. What do you mean, no thanks mate! This film is awesome in its crapness. It has no sense of its own absurdity, takes itself very seriously and is all the funnier for it. The only disappointment is that Danny Dyer doesn't turn up and glass a slag. Let's have a sequel please, set on Christmas Day!

that your girlfriend will enjoy too...but then i do like a nice sarf east accent. even lived down that way for a few years. great cast...big burly men ooo-er. what wouldn't i do to Vincent Regan....also have never seen Neil Maskell in a bad film yet. there was that strange one* about people getting up to weird culty stuff in a field. very violent it was too but my son, a huge film buff really likes it so each to their own etc. plus have no doubt his taste is far more discerning than mine. watched Piggy the other night on Sky, again Neil Maskell was really good in it. have remembered him from Bonded by Blood one of the (3) films about then The Rettendon murders/the Range Rover murders. anyway here's hoping there's a St Georges's Day 2. *Kill List.

St. Georges Day is a debut effort written and directed by eloquent and softly spoken Shakespearean thespian Frank Harper, famous for his roles in The Football Factory and Lock. Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (Guy Ritchie, 2008), and let us not forget his scene stealing performance as the bank robber in Kevin and Perry Go Large (Ed Bye, 2000). I thoroughly enjoyed Dexter Fletcher's (who is, of course, briefly in this) directorial debut Wild Bill last year, so maybe this could be another enjoyable treat. He seems to have persuaded all his mates to be in it, the only ones missing are Danny Dyer and Tamer Hassan; maybe they were performing Hamlet at the Old Vic during filming? Well...I will come back to term 'enjoyable' later if I may? First, a quick review:It seems Frank Harper has certainly learnt a few things while starring in all these geezer films, in basically that he has cut and pasted all the clichéd plots from these and stuck them all together in what is an absolute narrative mess. This film received consistently horrific reviews, and I have to admit that they are all deserved. St. Georges Day is the most possibly generic and clichéd 'cockeney gangster' film you could imagine. Every cliché in terms of plot and characters is there to see in full clunky and embarrassing glory. I am not going to list them here, but anyone who watches this will be ticking them off in their head almost involuntarily. As for the dialogue, co-written by Frank himself, when there are lines such as "The Price is Right? This isn't the game show you c**t!" or "Two words: Angry Russians", it is basically Eastenders with swearing. There is a also a very insular and quite racist approach to this film, such as the typical evil Russian gangsters and double crossing Dutch drug dealers. However, what becomes really embarrassing is Frank Harper's deluded sense of patriotism that comes out within the script, there are many occasions where he compares their drugs operation and how they are going to sort out the mess they created to strategies deployed by Churchill and the British armies in both of the world wars. This is both insulting and rather embarrassing to watch; as we have to remember that these men are criminals despite whatever 'moral code' they follow. There are many voice-over scenes, usually with Frank Harper looking pensive on some riverside where he tries to justify to us why he is essentially a criminal. He often mentions things like 'loyalty' and tells us that he never killed anyone that "didn't deserve it or would have done the same thing to him". No Frank, you are criminals, you are not the good guys. Even the police are portrayed as bad guys for simply doing their job; does Frank really think we are that stupid? Also, it is worth saying that Keeley Hazell stars in her debut film role and is shocking, though let us face it, she is not there for her acting is she? She also plays Mickey's girlfriend and there are many scenes where Frank Harper gets to kiss her. Hang on! Isn't Frank Harper writer, actor, director and producer? Indeed he is. Oh, Frank, you dirty old man! However, her character as 'Peckham Princess' (No, me neither) is beyond caricature, as with all the women here who are simply portrayed in a shamefully misogynistic way. However, this just adds to the list of generic narrow minded stereotyping like evil Russians, drugged up crazy Dutch people, angry Scottish people etc. Now, I will return to the phrase 'enjoyable', and though I may well be contradicting what I have previously just said, but I must confess that I found St. Georges Day extremely enjoyable. This does come with a proviso though: If you take St. Georges Day with a pinch of salt, and when you see a cast list like that (maybe with the exception of Charles Dance – maybe a marketing ploy?) how on earth can you take this film seriously? I went into this film expecting ridiculous nonsense and was not disappointed; I must confess that it frequently made me laugh. It is obvious that Frank Harper thinks he is making the Citizen Kane of British gangster films. St. Georges Day takes itself so ridiculously seriously; this almost makes it even funnier to watch. You never laugh with it, but frequently at it and because of this I will confess that I actually really enjoyed it, though certainly not for any of the reasons dear old (now officially an auteur) Frank Harper would want. In summary: Predictable, clichéd, crap. This is the definitive British gangster film in that every cliché and caricature is there to see, all put together by the chunkiest script imaginable. However, this may well be (unintentionally) one of the funniest British films of recent years.