Simply Perfect

A Masterpiece!

This is one of the few movies I've ever seen where the whole audience broke into spontaneous, loud applause a third of the way in.

Although I seem to have had higher expectations than I thought, the movie is super entertaining.

I knew I was in deep, deep trouble when the director's surname-only name was emblazoned in huge lettering in the credits; he dared go where the great director's of cinema history never went. As many of you know horror films are a beginning step for many a wanna-be filmmaker. Usually lower budget and of course given the whorish ego's of some of these people, a lowering of movie-making standards takes place by making their products more violent and gross than last year's group. So what finally does Mackintosh present for the audience? An unoriginal, highly derivative re-branding of elements that go back decades. Overwrought music that 'tells' you when to be frightened, two main characters that repeatedly follow the script but do not follow the script of what two frightened people would do in real life. Example: A killer kid has the wife and husband in view behind the grate, pointing a cocked pistol at them. But bloodthirsty as these children are supposed to be he never pulls the trigger and is shot to death for his imbecilic hesitation. And does the couple rush forward and pick up another weapon? No they don't. Another example has the husband leaving his 7 month pregnant wife alone in the courtyard, where the walls could be easily scaled and goes for a second, unnecessary tour of the hotel, the whole purpose being to set up his running back to her when she screams. Finally, though there are numerous other examples of bad writing, I would ask the folks who liked this movie, which of the giggling, cannibalistic kid-murderers kept the generator running for this good sized town?

This is one of those movies that from the beginning you wonder what is the point. First of all the husband character is one of those guys that seemingly want to impress his wife with his "I'm a man" abilities. He acts like a man who is trying to impress a new paramour.The woman, OMG, his wife set womanhood back a hundred years. She is unlikable. AT one point he leaves her and tells her. I will be right back. If you see anyone just scream. Oh yeah that will help. The man, OMG, he's one of those foreigners that go to another country and think because he can speak the language he's a native. He rudely insinuates himself through the entire movie. Everywhere he goes he makes himself at home before they are invited to do so. As most American stupidly do.Secondly, I don't understand why this island was so important for him to visit. Had he been there before? Heard about it from a friend? Also, when you go to an island that already is unfriendly with the kid fishing when continue into an empty city, doing things as if nothing is wrong when obviously nothing is right so far? You've seen nothing but 2 kids. You stole from a restaurant and no one comes out to collect your money. You get what you want out of a grocers and no one stops you. You go to a hotel and go behind the desk and no one comes out and tell you don't to do that or a "Excuse me butt hole, but you can't do that. You walk into people home and go through their stuff. If anyone was alive he would have been dead within the first 10 minutes of snooping.Monotonous. Is a good word for this film and another good thing about this film is every man and woman should see it before having children.

Writer, Director, Producer, Cinematographer, and even Sound department, are the many hats worn by this Mononymous film-maker - Makinov, who prominently features his/her name in the title and at the end of the film so boldly as if their fame had already exceeded their talent (think Cher, Beck, Bono, Prince, or even Sting). That was the first laughable moment in this (first) film from the artist known as Makinov. But the (unintentional) laughs didn't stop there.The film begins with Ebon Moss-Bacharach's character searching, somewhat desperately, late at night for a boat to rent. He and his pregnant wife, played by Vinessa Shaw, are trying to get to a nearby island, for who knows why. After a long and tedious search, he finds a drunk fisherman reluctantly willing to part with his 15 foot row boat with an outboard motor, which, by the way, he uses daily for his work. After some less than shrewd negotiation, our hero offers the guy four thousand dollars (what?!?) for the use of his dinghy for a day.As an aside, it's worth mentioning that while the two leading actors are clearly not A-list performers, they do bring face recognition, if not name recognition to the film. They are recognizable and have faces you know, but can't quite place. They're decent enough actors, and typically play supporting roles quite well.In "Makinov's Come Out and Play," however, they stumble around woodenly upon arriving to this island, which appears to be all but deserted, minus the odd child or two they run into, as they search for food and lodging. They deliver their lines well enough, but the direction is terrible, as there are long awkward pauses, and odd reactions that seem inappropriate for the scene.It takes some 35 minutes for our clueless couple to realize that there is something amiss, and come to realize the children have all gone bad (again for who knows how and why... which is never explained) and are wantonly slaughtering any adult in their paths, using chopped up body parts as footballs, necklaces, and other assorted toys. Mind you, there is not a child to be seen over the age of 13, most averaging 7-10 years old. We're talking tiny, wee kids, who somehow have the strength to bash down doors, chop through flesh and bone, and cart off struggling fully grown adults.After 40 minutes or so of our unlikely heroes running around aimlessly, painfully, and without any urgency to get off this Lord of the Flies island, Makinov provides us with an ending with a "twist," if you can call it that. It's obviously meant to be shocking, but instead evokes laughter once again. Throughout this entire disaster though, there is somehow a fleeting twinge of anxiety and suspense. At first I couldn't put my finger on what could cause this tension. It surely was not the dialogue, nor the story-line, or the uninspired, single-shot camera work. I finally pinned it down to the music. Makinov did, actually, get one thing right it would seem. The delicate use of crescendos and diminuendos, notes that would as easily have accompanied Hitchcock's Psycho, created this dramatic tension throughout his film, albeit with a retro, 70's style sound, but well done none-the-less.As the final credits rolled, the screen filled with our Mononymous (A Film By) Makinov, I was dumbstruck that I could only muster a single word to describe what I had just saw, the lonely adjective looming as large in my mind as Makinov's moniker hung on the screen before my eyes, and I muttered aloud..... Awful!--One star for the clever music, but otherwise, this film was nothing more than a big fat zero in my book. It is definitely one to be avoided, as an hour and a half spent chewing your own toenails would be more productive and thought provoking.

For me the key ingredient to a successful horror movie is when the lead character/s behave intelligently when placed in a dire situation. I'm sure when most people watch horror movies they find themselves asking 'what would I do?'. A really good horror therefore tries to let its lead characters explore the options (when given a dire situation) that any sane person that wants to remain alive would explore. There is then also the question of what you would do to keep your loved ones safe when they are threatened. Again I'm sure most people would make decisions that put their loved ones safety before their own. Herein lies the biggest problem with this movie. Within the first 20 minutes any normal person would have figured out that the island wasn't safe and tried to make a quick exit. Of course our ultra-unrealistic protagonists do not. Instead they wander around looking for a store and enter the most uninviting hotel I've ever seen. From there it only gets worse as the male lead seems to have absolutely no concern at all for his pregnant wife's safety. He leaves her on many occasions in a town full of killers and on one with a man who attacked him only five minutes previously while he wanders off into the dangerous town again. The couple make so many ridiculous decisions that at one point I just wanted them to be captured and put out of their misery as anyone that stupid doesn't really deserve to survive as situation such as this. Harsh? Maybe but watch it for yourself and you will be equally frustrated with it as I was. A real shame as the premise was actually quite scary and to be fair the acting/directing was not terrible. You just felt nothing for the lead characters as they displayed absolutely no will to live and fight for their lives. Please give us horror movies that will actually scare us!